Update: http://www.theroot.com/views/what-single-women-can-t-learn-michelle
Message From A Reader Named Karen:
“I love your website. I would like for you to read and comment on an article that is posted on The Root website http://www.theroot.com. The article is entitled “What Single Black Women Can Learn From Michelle.” In my opinion the subtle or not so subtle implication is that black women are single because they overlook the decent and hardworking bus drivers of the world and that we typically would have overlooked a catch like Barack. Of course the article fails to mention that Barack was Harvard Law Review Editor!! HELLO!!!”
Excerpt(s) From The Article “What Single Women Can Learn From Michelle”:
http://www.theroot.com/views/what-single-women-can-learn-michelle
“Would most Type A, professional women have dated Barack when he was a broke, big-eared organizer with a funny name?….”
“……I’ve played matchmaker, unsuccessfully, for scores of black professional women. And I’m convinced that Michelle’s got something on many of us. Not her intelligence or her confidence or sense of style, her glowing skin or the carved silhouette of her arms. I could fill a room with friends who have all these qualities to spare. I’m talking about the choices I imagine she made in those crucial moments between meeting Barack and deciding who he would be to her. She must have focused on an abundance of goodness instead of his hint of goofiness and fixated on a warm smile instead of a pair of oversized ears. It’s easy to see now that he was a great catch, but how many of us would have been open to this guy who strayed so far from the black Prince Charming ideal, starting with his very name?…..”
Ahhh….Doesn’t the article package this message up all nice and sanctimoniously? This bears repeating: The devil is ALWAYS in the details…On a positive note, many commenters do not reflect the naivete of the past…Thank God for the increase of Black women who are on their toes! Once again someone is attempting to sell Black women a bill of goods….”Just accept what comes your way…You have no right to certain standards or preferences”…”Take that minimum wage janitor even if you have a Masters!”…Indeed…These articles rarely say that outright…Working towards and/or having an education/skills are often poo-pooed by those who supposedly have our best interests at heart…Any group of people who DO NOT value an education or progression will quickly perish…But think of the messages BW have been receiving for years…I can think as far back as the 1990’s talk show circuit…That we needed to be more ‘realistic’ and ‘reasonable’ with our standards…Fast forward a few years to Dr Phil’ s line, “How’s THAT Working For You?”…Quite naturally no man comes out of the womb established in the world and prepared to lead…But there are signs that the same man is on the right track…The waters have been contaminated with erroneous doctrine which embraces low expectations…And i hate to use the word “potential” because of it’s past misuse…In many circles, potential would cover everyone from the high school graduate interviewing for a first job, down to the wino who’s made it 48 hours without a drink…
Quite naturally Barack Obama did not BEGIN as our POTUS…However, there were some clear consistent character traits and indicators that gave his future a bright outlook…This man was going places…He did not operate from a place of “mental lack”…Let’s take a brief look at his background and some facts…
1. A student of Harvard…No question that it takes intelligence, diligence and fortitude to get into an ivy league school…Was also the first Black president of the Harvard Law Review…
2. Community Organizer….Meaning Pres. Obama actually took part in various projects…His involvement was not limited to passing out fliers and bean pies…Hard work and determination is noticed…And those in authoritative positions take notice of these individuals…So someone who only “Talks the talk” will more than likely not advance…
3.To further support this point: Pres. Obama was as a civil rights attorney in Chicago in addition to teaching Constitutional Law at the University of Chicago Law School…
4. Ambitious…Had clear definitive steps towards his mission…Not lying around saying what he’s “Gonna do” ….Pres. Obama’s goals superseded material and ‘front yard’ interests…
Black women understand: DO NOT even BEGIN to lower yourselves by listening to this crazy talk…Once again we have these articles ALWAYS being directed at the women…Hopefully by next year we will stop seeing them altogether as BW continue to REJECT this type of report…Too many of us have heeded this garbage in the past…I am established in my career and the community…So bet your sweet bippie that Mr.Mann will be expected to meet and exceed those expectations…I do NOT support former/present inmates, starving artists or “adultlescents” …Notice also how we are often blamed for going in either direction…When BW lower their standards and things go wrong, then we are still at fault…The very reason why writings such as the above mentioned should be disregarded… If women (as a collective and individually) would stop settling and making excuses for mediocrity, the balance would shift…There would be no choice but for these types to step up and rise to the occasion…Do not allow writers such as Ms Desmond-Harris to lump BW who expect a man to bring something to the table with those who have a neurotic selection process…You can find the devil again here with this straw man argument…Maintaining a standard differs greatly from rejecting someone due to a pants cuff…For Heaven’s sake I wish people would please stop insulting Black women’s intelligence with this disingenuous circular nonsense…
Filed under: Black Women | Tagged: barack obama, courtship, dating, expanding your options, having high standards, Jenee Desmond-Harris, lies told to black women, marriage, michelle obama, relationships, theroot.com, vetting
Wow…I did not get all of that from her message at all. I do not see where the writer is asking educated, accomplished Black Women to ’settle’ for the bus driver or the janitor, or the dude fresh out of jail or the ‘adultlesence’ guy. I think what she is saying is that Mrs Obama looked at the President’s character and his potential more than his current situation. She was a high paid lawyer when they met. Yeah, he was Pres. of the Law Review at Harvard, but that did not allow him to ‘compete’ in financial terms with her. Sure, he had potential then, but what did his idealistic self do instead of getting a high paying corporate law gig? He decided to be a low paying Community Organizer! Let’s be real, most sisters with education and $$ would have gone running the other way. Brother man could probably hardly take her out to get a happy meal much less a nice dinner someone on what he was making at that time. And from what I have read, he drove a hoopty that was rusted through at the bottom so she could see the street. LOL
I am all for high standards…do not accept the lazy, the untrustworthy, the unmotivated, the no values having brother. Have standards that say you will not share a man, you will not be lied to, mistreated, abused, you will not raise your child(ren) by your self, you will be respected as an equal and treated like a queen by someone who is more than willing to do what it takes to support himself and his family. If it comes in the bus driver or the Harvard educated community organizer then so be it.
“If it comes in the bus driver or the Harvard educated community organizer then so be it.”
Not even close…This type of thinking is what has contributed to ruining what used to be the Black community ….Black women have been encouraged towards a philanthropic dating/mating style for too long…The only result will be dead weight and possibly predators being welcomed into our immediate circles…It’s only when we have criteria that goes beyond a 9-5 that we get this type of feedback…Ladies, your love life should not reflect a charity nor halfway house…Real men rise to the occasion…
Clearly the author didn’t get it. You can’t compare Obama to the average black man, or any average man. He was never average. His drive and intelligence made him stand out. Michelle’s ex-boyfriend (the one who took her to the high school prom) was interviewed recently about their relationship. He said Michelle was a first class lady who valued herself highly from day one. He said he didn’t have what it takes to keep her. He basically meant that Michelle didn’t accept average, and he couldn’t keep up. He’s not surprised at all that she the FLOTUS. People need to stop romanticizing the Obamas’ love story. He wasn’t a brother who was down on his luck. He’s never been that. Michelle would have never gotten seriously involved with him if he was. They both vetted each other carefully. Michelle said that Barack wanted them to live together. He didn’t see the importance of marriage. She made it known to him EARLY ON she wasn’t having that. He knew if he wanted to keep this flawless diamond, he better step up the plate and do the right thing.
Unwavering excellence, which is often confused with unrealistic perfection, scares so many African-Americans. If we don’t look for the lowest common denominator, we then at strive for the average common denominator. AA women subconsciously do this; they always bend their back a little more when it comes to AA men. To hold steadfast for the best in intimate relationships is still too scary for some.
“I am all for high standards…do not accept the lazy, the untrustworthy, the unmotivated, the no values having brother. Have standards that say you will not share a man, you will not be lied to, mistreated, abused, you will not raise your child(ren) by your self, you will be respected as an equal and treated like a queen by someone who is more than willing to do what it takes to support himself and his family.”
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To me, NONE of these things you’ve pointed out are “high standards,” but instead are NORMAL expectations that should be a given. Perhaps you didn’t mean that they are “high standards” or I just misunderstood ????
@Pinky
Exactly! fidelity, honesty, being a provider and good treatment are the fundamentals…Even with the bar set that low, many are missing the mark…So HOW DARE we expect anything more? I guess some expect us to sit around and struggle all of our lives…Trying to turn lemon rinds into lemonade…
Pardon me, but my first reaction to the article was: Damn, stuff like this makes me wanna choke a b*tch. I’m just tired of this media hype that every single black woman alive is extremely desperate (or too damn picky) for a “good brotha.”
No, we are not.
I read through some of the comments on that site, and the typical conclusions being drawn were: a black woman should do everything she can to pull up the bm. It’s always all about the work we must do to improve life for the bm. Sorta like how Essence is dropping the same nonsense these days.
That’s the sole purpose of writing about how “broke” Obama was. These people want black women to stay the breadwinner, the parent raiser, the household cleaner, the do-it-all and be-it-all, while the black male stands around being “potential.”
If there were decent and honest people writing for that site – or any black media – they could have these counterpoints: Are black women tired of being the breadwinner? How about finding love with non-black men for a change? Naw. It wouldn’t work, it’s too radical, and it makes too much sense.
And Betty Chambers Has Spoken!
: )
This is why I’ve also attached the old “Rolanda” clips from like 1995…If the Black woman wants to continue for another 15 +years with this same circular argument & dead end doctrine, then by means go right ahead…
It is so sad that a “friend” told me after I got a divorce that I shouldn’t aim too high for my next husband. I had 3 children and was now in my 30’s and should look at men like the garbage man or someone who changed after prison. I could not believe she would say that, I had a college education and a great job, was not financially in bad shape after my divorce, in fact was better off when I got rid of the person spending all the money. I met someone soon after who was handsome, educated and hispanic and she told me I should drop him for a black man who was interested even though he was unreliable. He did however have a good job. Black women need encourage each other to look for someone who makes us better not someone we have to save or overlook their disrespectful ways because they are willing to accept a woman with,oh my god, kids.
^5 @ Betty Chambers!!
Brook said:“I am all for high standards…do not accept the lazy, the untrustworthy, the unmotivated, the no values having brother. Have standards that say you will not share a man, you will not be lied to, mistreated, abused, you will not raise your child(ren) by your self, you will be respected as an equal and treated like a queen by someone who is more than willing to do what it takes to support himself and his family.”
Brooke I’m disturbed that you consider the traits you listed above as having high standards. No offense but those desired characteristics are considered normal by most functioning adults with common sense. If Black women consider a man who pays his bills, isn’t abusive, and is a provider as extraordinary then we are in a world of trouble. A man is supposed to do those things and more if you ask me. My partner (whoever he may end up being) needs to exceed the normal criteria. . I live a high quality life that entails travel, financial comfort (although I’m trying to create wealth!) social mobility, strong spiritual foundation, and a circle of awesome individuals who enrich my life on many levels. For a man to even have a chance with me, he need at the very least be on my level and actively working towards doing more. I just turned 27 about three weeks ago and I will not settle for mediocrity or the “brotha trying to make it.” I don’t waste my time dating men who have “potential” either. My father made it very clear to me growing up that I will not marry down or get involved with someone up who can’t enrich spiritually, socially, financially, and intellectually. Truth be told, I don’t have a hard time dating with my high standards either. It’s a great way to filter out the scumbags. I’m not a super model and I actually look Black. Go figure LOL. Black women please don’t settle. Work on areas of your life so that you can be a light to others and attract the best possible mate (if that is your goal since not all women desire to be married). At the end of the day, you are what you attract. If you hate yourself and don’t believe you deserve the best then expect garbage and unemployed Pookie : )
BTW great blog CW. I followed your link from Khadija’s website.
@Muse & other new visitors
Thanx so much…Please stop by anytime!
“I am all for high standards…do not accept the lazy, the untrustworthy, the unmotivated, the no values having brother. Have standards that say you will not share a man, you will not be lied to, mistreated, abused, you will not raise your child(ren) by your self, you will be respected as an equal and treated like a queen by someone who is more than willing to do what it takes to support himself and his family.”
Very sad that these are what some call HIGH STANDARDS…That bit of so-called advice seems all pretty with a bow…But my friends…The devil is ALWAYS in the details!
CW, Jazine, Pinky, Betty Chambers, & Muse. Clearly you ladies all GET IT. I really do like the Root too and then they go and print an article like this. I am too through with people telling black women to lower standards.
My husband had nothing when we met, but he had just graduated with a Masters degree and encourage me to get mine. I knew what his degree would do and didn’t think he could do too bad having saved $10,000 on as a student. I clearly vetted him and have been a stay home mom for 11 years. I knew what kind of life I eventually wanted and a janitor, bus driver or ex con would not have ever been a consideration for me, let along provide for a wife and family. Michelle was smart and she would never tell her daughters to do what this article is suggesting. They don’t get it.
Thanks for this CW, i almost threw my computer against the wall when I came across that article. Indeed can these women (traitors) stop pushing the line that bw want way to much from bm especially when there is overwhelming evidence that we have yielded to ‘philanthropic dating’ for decades now.
@Yvette
I am glad you didn’t listen to that misguided friend
@Halima
Indeed…Many would like to keep BW in an area of lack…Too many advantages for the users!
And that’s another reason why I left the first comment up there…I want my readers to pick up on the subtle implications that BW should settle for any ‘ol thing…And if the BW comes across “average” or “run-of-the-mill” , then she should build an altar and worship right on the spot…Sorry detractors…Times have changed!
There is an article on aol about it.
http://www.bvblackspin.com/2009/06/15/when-michelle-met-barack-is-there-a-lesson-for-single-women/?icid=main|htmlws-bv|dl5|link3|http%3A%2F%2Fwww.bvblackspin.com%2F2009%2F06%2F15%2Fwhen-michelle-met-barack-is-there-a-lesson-for-single-women%2F
Ladies,
Here is a rebuttal to the article listed above. It’s interesting. Written by a biracial man. He actually encourages Black women to consider dating outside of their race.
http://www.theroot.com/views/what-single-women-can-t-learn-michelle
Very profound commentary in the “Acts Of Faith” Blog…Definitely encouraged reading…A commenter said in part:
“…Men regardless of “race” who appear to chronically be in need of “saving”, uplifting, supporting, ego stroking, mothering, yada yada… are a liability.”
Read More:
http://actsoffaithinloveandlife.blogspot.com/2009/06/im-so-used-to-black-women-being-dissed.html
“…Men regardless of “race” who appear to chronically be in need of “saving”, uplifting, supporting, ego stroking, mothering, yada yada… are a liability.”
My reply:
This is so striking, that when one things of mainstream popular culture throughout the ages, meaning “white popular culture,” white men and women always present men as the ones rescuring women.
Some examples: chivalry, “damsels in distress,” Eliza Dolittle in “My Fair Lady,” romance novels targeted at white women, etc., etc.
I imagine that to be true in other cultures as well–the warrior/prince in all his different manifestations and through different times.
But because the black community has cultivated a mindset that the men are vulnerable, the women, who are seen to be the “strong men,” are the ones to step in and undertake that role.
How odd and wierd, to go from one context to another. Read Terri Macmillan–black chick lit and then read white chick lit that focuses on the same themes of romance, and the differences are stark.
are these people serious?!
I’m raising my daughter ALONE because I settled. Don’t these…individuals understand that settling has gotten many of us KILLED?! smh.
*le sigh in HD* I WILL marry a quality man of means, even if I have to get new teeth installed, work three jobs and/or work out FIVE HOURS A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK! I’ll go to school on Sundays, for corn’s sake! Nobody’s gonna tell me or my daughter a REAL man (black or otherwise) isn’t forthcoming! Hmmph. The devil IS a liar!
@Rainbeaux
Just never look back…And the thing is to NEVER give up believing that there is a better way…