CW Is Back From Vacation…BTW I Got Married…

More later…Lots of work to do!

Real Weddings – Joyce & Brian: A Beach Wedding in New Seabury, MA

Real Weddings – Joyce & Brian: A Beach Wedding in New Seabury, MA

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Real Weddings – Brandi & Steve: A Vineyard Wedding in Lexington, KY

Real Weddings – Brandi & Steve: A Vineyard Wedding in Lexington, KY

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Blog Of The Day: Rock & Rockmelon

Brought To Us By A Fellow Reader Delia

Rock & Rockmelon

Fresh Wedding Videography

Yadey & Adam’s 3-Day Wedding Affair

Going On Vacation….

Question: What Would You Like To See Featured On This Blog?

Post Message Or Write: thecwexperience@hotmail.com

Going On Vacation….

I am taking a moment to say thanks to all readers of “Black Women Deserve Better”…A BIG welcome to new visitors as well… Material is frequently added/updated to the site…Make sure to check both sidebars for new videos/links…In addition I want to sincerely thank all of the  bloggers who dedicate their time in helping Black women reach their full potential…And I am not only referring to the dating/relationship arena…Black women who blog about proper hair care, budgeting, makeup/fashion, music, education, health, traveling, etc are equally as important to me…All of these components and resources will go a long way in directing BW towards excellence…As always let the heart be your guide…Do not let ANYONE dictate:

-Who you date

-How to wear your hair/clothes/makeup …(Notice how the most ignorant/limited  gossip sites always attempt to belittle women like Solonge Knowles for experimenting with different looks…You would think she had committed highway robbery! LOL)

-What music to listen to…There is no such thing as “Black music” or “White music”….However in my opinion there is good music and harmful music…Ponder that

-Which hobbies to pursue…Chess anyone, Rock climbing , Rollerskating?

-Places to travel

-Which schools to attend…Go with the one that speaks to YOU…and not where everyone EXPECTS

-Which healing methods you use  (Herbs vs Prescriptions…Doctors vs Health Practitioners)

Since the inception of this blog and completing my book, I have met so many wonderful people who’ve taught me even more…The BW empowerment blogosphere has taught me to leave no opportunity, rock or possibility unturned…That the ONLY real limit is the man/woman in the mirror….

Does This Blog Empower Black Women?

Sometimes a blog can initially appear to be a BW empowerment blog, but underneath preaches the same ‘ol bag…Yes they can “agree” that XYZ is wrong and we need to 123, however that’s where the journey ends…Also beware of the “You cannot do ‘A’ until we do ‘B’” crowd…Ex: “We cannot begin looking out for Black women & children until we get to the root of racism”…Those stall tactics should not impress anyone…My goal is to engage Black Women in the thought process…I want us to quickly identify and consequently separate ourselves from strongholds…I have discovered that most bondage exists in family, church, sororities/fraternities, and within certain communities…

How To Identify Stronghold Symptoms In Any Circle

-Recognize that strongholds in communities are not exclusive to poor people…The tentacles of bondage reach across all color/class lines

-Leaders are often “sacred cows” that cannot be questioned or held accountable for their actions…Affairs and shady business practices are often an “open secret”

-The same leaders will uphold persons of ill-repute or champion causes that do not lead to any positive results

-You are the focus of  guilt trips, ostrichization (is that a word…LOL), character assassinations, threats or even violence for going ‘against the grain’

-An individual is told who he/she can and cannot talk to/date/marry/befriend

-Any action which leads to critical thinking i.e., research, inquiries, dialogue,  working independently or a different group of people is discouraged…especially when negative inquiries are made

-There is frequent, consistent evidence that proves the stronghold…Yet somehow these occurrences are ALWAYS explained away

-Busywork is standard…This keeps one from thinking about the lack in their lives…Be aware of preoccupation such as workbooks, meetings, seminars and other activities which do not improve the quality of life…Rinse, Repeat

-Fear tactics are often used to gain/maintain compliance

-An individual is never challenged to get out in the world, expand, nor try anything NEW…(When I want NOTHING to happen, that’s the day you can find me sitting on my tush with a cup of hot cocoa…Otherwise one has to get OUT OF THE HOUSE to experience new things)

-Nothing you can do is enough nor “good enough”

-Deception: Information in regards to  “What’s out there” & “What’s can be achieved” are often concealed

-Asks for/demands/strong-arms support monetarily, labor wise, etc without reciprocity…Or being tossed crumbs… A “Free beer tomorrow!” mindset…

-There is NEVER any legitimate reason why the person ‘left’…Either they’ve “sold out”, “abandoned the community”  “don’t care about the struggling” or “forgot where they came from” …Under any circumstances, that party is in the wrong

-When there is a problem; being expected to do the SAME thing over and over again…Without things changing…Especially if different results are expected…Equivocate this to the “Passivity Doctrine” …Basically asking one to bake a cake …Adding some of the ingredients to the bowl..but not stirring or baking…Incomplete and of no use to anyone…Oh yes “they” can admit there is an issue, but nothing productive will ever come of it!

Sooo…One word: If there is a trend…RUN

Okay…Back to the reason for this post, my vacation…LOL…I will be gone for a little while to visit friends and family…Even upon my return there is  plenty of work to be done…However, during my absence I intend to update the site periodically so by all means check back …I would like to know what content the reader wishes to see on this site…This site blog will be 2 years old in August…If anyone is brave enough to share what they’ve learned, successes and failures…I’d like to hear them all the same… Please continue to write in with any questions, comments or concerns…I will do my best to answer them or refer the reader to the proper resources…I also encourage suggestions for subject matter and anything else that will be of assistance to Black women…My email is thecwexperience@hotmail.com  …I wish everyone a safe, happy, and productive summertime…

*Note- Mike & Lorraine should have a couple of special interviews ready in the near future!

Lorraine Brings Us Shades of Love in the Forest City

Shades of Love in the Forest City

The lovely Soni Krzyzanowski (née Warren) had always been a pioneering spirit. She met her husband Rafal online while finishing up her degree in Political Science. It was no big deal for Soni to her to pack her bags and head to Poland as soon as she graduated from college. Soni was determined to meet the love of her life Rafal and the gamble paid off big time. Having recently returned from Poland, Soni and Rafal are in the US, but the sweet couple have no plans to settle down here permanently. Read why not……    Soni’s web page is www.myspace.com/longleggedginger777

What is your husband’s ethnicity?

He is Polish

How did you and Rafal meet?

Rafal and I met through Hotornot (online). Then he eventually invited me to visit him. I was reluctant at first but I knew that because of his restrictions as a Pole it would be impossible for him to visit me. America requires Polish people to have a visa to visit and then they make it nearly impossible for them to get a visa. So at the last minute I decided to go visit Rafal since he was paying for everything, how could I go wrong? It turned out to be the best decision I had ever made. What a blessing.

And how long had you known Rafal when you got married?

We knew each other about a year.

When were you married?

October 24, 2008

Was this your first interracial relationship?
NO, I’ve had several. No huge differences from one ethnicity to the next. however, interculturally there is a huge difference and which can sometimes be a challenge. You have got to be up for it and it is totally possible for committed people.

How did you feel about interracial marriage and relationships before you were in one?

I had no unique feelings either way. I had no inhibitions regarding race whatsoever.

Do you feel any different about interracial marriage and relationships now?

No other than I had not had long term relationships. Six months was about the max. Now it is a different story since I am married. Being married is definitely a change from the single days; it took some getting used to let me tell you.

Living in Poland, did you face skeptics and criticism from friends and/or family about your interracial marriage?

No because my family was use to me being in interracial relationships. Everyone was just fine.

Do you recall how you first informed your friends and family of your interracial relationship and subsequent marriage?

I sent my brother a text from Poland and told him that Rafal and I were official. We then sent texts back and forth about how my brother didn’t need to whoop Rafal’s behind for taking advantage of me. (Laughing hysterically).

What about your husband’s family —- did you or he face any criticism from them?

No. I realize I was blessed. Rafal’s family absolutely loved me from the beginning. In fact they were proud to claim me as their family before we were married.

Have you ever felt pressure or experienced a significant difference between your non interracial and interracial relationships?

Oh well yes in that in a couple of my previous relationships there was a lack of understanding each other’s perspective but this can be overcome with patience and understanding from both parties. For example as a black woman American, my experiences are different and my perspective is from might be from the other side of the door so to speak. Not right or wrong, just different and as legitimate as anyone else’s. This can be amplified when you’re with someone from an entirely different continent and world. Sometimes it can get annoying trying to explain your perspective. But who is to say that this would not happen with a black man as well because of the gender? Again, this can be a good thing because you can learn from and about each other. Respect and love play a big part.

Do you feel that there are societal criticisms and pressures concerning interracial relationships in the US and or Poland?
Not in Poland at all! In America, yes for sure. We get different kind of stares, sneers or even a few, people saying nasty things to you when you walk by is normal for an interracial couple in America. For me personally, I get flack from black males and believe it or not white females. White females like to flirt with Rafal to see if they can get anything out of him. They are shocked to see his with me, being from Poland and all. It is a novelty for them and I get a lot of puzzling looks from them. Then there are some black males who can’t stand to see a black female with a white male. It is funny because some of these same black men would not even look at me twice otherwise.

Anyway, there has always been something strange, in our own communities when it came to interracial dating. Somehow, it seems more acceptable for black males to go outside their race, yet it’s not so acceptable for black women to be with white men. Black women are just now venturing out these days. Not too long ago it wasn’t so likely so I am rejoicing that black women older and younger are taking control of their lives and seeking love outside our communities.

Do you attribute or connect it to negative images of blacks from slavery or something else? Hold over images from slavery is definitely behind some of the remaining negativity, but it is also about human nature and possession. Some may here most commonly hear ridiculous statements like “White people are always trying to take our stuff.” “White women are taking OUR men;” (or even the rare “Black men are taking OUR women).” I can actually make a comparison about some Polish men in this instance. Some of them are starting to become a bit bitter about foreign men coming overseas to take their Polish women. Of course there is a stereotype for everyone. Polish women seem to be popular around the world, similar to Asian women because there is a perception of what kind of brides they make. So this mentality overlaps with others coming from an entirely different world and experience. Who has the market on or possession of any group of women or men? Get over it and just get your mate.

Do you plan to have children?

Absolutely! But we are still so young and want be more financially established. We are both continuing our education in order to provide the right environment for childrearing. There is plenty of time so when the time is right, we will.

How will race figure into child rearing for you?
Our children will know everything about their backgrounds. I’ve just recently gave a DNA sample to this genetic experiment that National Geographic is doing. I think it’s very interesting to know where my African roots most likely lie. So again, our children will know all about themselves and families. They will be well traveled too. I currently wish to raise them in Europe because I have so far noticed a lot less open prejudice and strange social structures according to race. So no matter we live, the quality of education would be pretty much the same. We will try to prepare them for whatever life has to offer them racially — good or bad.

When and if your children first experience racism, what do you think your advice will be to them?

It is our responsibility to prepare and inform them about the world, how and why people think and do the things they do. Our children will always know that they are beautiful and capable of the greatest things. With education and knowledge about themselves they will especially be prepared for racism.

Where do you live?

Cleveland, Ohio also known as the Forest City.

Do you think Cleveland in general is a good place for interracial couples and families?

Not particularly only because there is nothing extra special about here than any other place. On the other hand, Cleveland is fine I guess as there are lots of interracial couples and families here, but my aunt who lives in Massillon, Ohio tells me that there seems to be many more interracial couples and families living there. Virginia actually looked like a nice place when I was there and at one time may be have been an option go figure! But, once I am done with my education (double masters MBA, M.Ed. degrees) Rafal and I are headed back to Poland to live. Rafal and I are seeking dual citizenship (USA/Poland) therefore lessening the likelihood that our children will encounter any immigration problems. Rafal is an accountant and we will do fantastically from a financial prospective. We plan on purchasing properties and starting a business. This will secure our family’s future.

What do you do for fun?
Since I am in graduate school, fun can sometimes be a rare treat. But we love to travel! I love to play classical piano as well as guitar! We both love going to the movies and eating out, which isn’t the greatest thing to be doing when we’re trying to save money and maintain healthy weight. (Chuckling) Actually, we have mega fun cooking meals together everyday which is AWESOME! Who would have thought? We have definitely had to be creative in the fun department with our school schedules, but what is it? Fun!

Do you have any suggestions for black women just entering interracial relationships?

Know yourself first. Before entering any relationship, make sure you’ve taken time out for yourself for a relationship with yourself and your own personal development. Interracial relationships can be challenging to some extent; but in my opinion challenge doesn’t have to be bad, boring, hurtful, devastating or anything negative. It can be great! It is what you make it!

Thank you!

Rejecting Subtle Implications To Accept & Embrace Mediocrity

Update: http://www.theroot.com/views/what-single-women-can-t-learn-michelle

Message From A Reader Named Karen:

“I love your website. I would like for you to read and comment on an article that is posted on The Root website http://www.theroot.com. The article is entitled “What Single Black Women Can Learn From Michelle.” In my opinion the subtle or not so subtle implication is that black women are single because they overlook the decent and hardworking bus drivers of the world and that we typically would have overlooked a catch like Barack. Of course the article fails to mention that Barack was Harvard Law Review Editor!! HELLO!!!”

Excerpt(s) From The Article “What Single Women Can Learn From Michelle”:

http://www.theroot.com/views/what-single-women-can-learn-michelle

“Would most Type A, professional women have dated Barack when he was a broke, big-eared organizer with a funny name?….”

“……I’ve played matchmaker, unsuccessfully, for scores of black professional women. And I’m convinced that Michelle’s got something on many of us. Not her intelligence or her confidence or sense of style, her glowing skin or the carved silhouette of her arms. I could fill a room with friends who have all these qualities to spare. I’m talking about the choices I imagine she made in those crucial moments between meeting Barack and deciding who he would be to her. She must have focused on an abundance of goodness instead of his hint of goofiness and fixated on a warm smile instead of a pair of oversized ears. It’s easy to see now that he was a great catch, but how many of us would have been open to this guy who strayed so far from the black Prince Charming ideal, starting with his very name?…..”

Ahhh….Doesn’t the article package this message up all nice and sanctimoniously? This bears repeating: The devil is ALWAYS in the details…On a positive note, many commenters do not reflect the naivete of the past…Thank God for the increase of Black women who are on their toes! Once again someone is attempting to sell Black women a bill of goods….”Just accept what comes your way…You have no right to certain standards or preferences”…”Take that minimum wage janitor even if you have a Masters!”…Indeed…These articles rarely say that outright…Working towards and/or having an education/skills are often poo-pooed by those who supposedly have our best interests at heart…Any group of people who DO NOT value an education or progression will quickly perish…But think of the messages BW have been receiving for years…I can think as far back as the 1990’s talk show circuit…That we needed to be more ‘realistic’ and ‘reasonable’ with our standards…Fast forward a few years to Dr Phil’ s line, “How’s THAT Working For You?”…Quite naturally no man comes out of the womb established in the world and prepared to lead…But there are signs that the same man  is on the right track…The waters have been contaminated with erroneous doctrine which embraces low expectations…And i hate to use the word “potential” because of it’s past misuse…In many circles, potential would cover everyone from the high school graduate interviewing for a first job, down to the wino who’s made it 48 hours without a drink…

Quite naturally Barack Obama did not BEGIN as our POTUS…However, there were some clear consistent character traits and indicators that gave his future a bright outlook…This man was going places…He did not operate from a place of “mental lack”…Let’s take a brief look at his background and some facts…

1. A student of Harvard…No question that it takes intelligence, diligence and fortitude to get into an ivy league school…Was also the first Black president of the Harvard Law Review…

2. Community Organizer….Meaning Pres. Obama actually took part in various projects…His involvement was not limited to passing out fliers and bean pies…Hard work and determination is noticed…And those in authoritative positions take notice of these individuals…So someone who only “Talks the talk” will more than likely not advance…

3.To further support this point: Pres. Obama was as a civil rights attorney in Chicago in addition to teaching Constitutional Law at the University of Chicago Law School…

4. Ambitious…Had clear definitive steps towards his mission…Not lying around saying what he’s “Gonna do” ….Pres. Obama’s goals superseded  material and  ‘front yard’ interests…

Black women understand: DO NOT even BEGIN to lower yourselves by listening to this crazy talk…Once again we have these articles ALWAYS being directed at the women…Hopefully by next year we will stop seeing them altogether as BW continue to REJECT this type of report…Too many of us have heeded this garbage in the past…I am established in my career and the community…So bet your sweet bippie that Mr.Mann will be expected to meet and exceed those expectations…I do NOT support former/present inmates, starving artists or “adultlescents” …Notice also how we are often blamed for going in either direction…When BW lower their standards and things go wrong, then we are still at fault…The very reason why writings such as the above mentioned should be disregarded… If women (as a collective and individually) would stop settling and making excuses for mediocrity, the balance would shift…There would be no choice but for these types to step up and rise to the occasion…Do not allow writers such as Ms Desmond-Harris to lump BW who expect a man to bring something to the table with those who have a neurotic selection process…You can find the devil again here with this straw man argument…Maintaining a standard differs greatly from rejecting someone due to a pants cuff…For Heaven’s sake I wish people would please stop insulting Black women’s intelligence with this disingenuous circular nonsense…