So One Christian Woman Writes Another… *Update* Naomi Chimes In!

So One Christian Woman Writes Another…

This is an actual account of two Christian women exchanging correspondence in reference to Black women finding love and learning how to be married…The exchange spurned from Ruth being invited to a teleseminar reference marriage preparation & having a successful marriage…Being a newlywed myself, I take a great interest in the matter…My heart is always open to counsel on keeping the family together…Time and time again I am let down by Black women in leadership positions who do not tell it like it is…Cowardly is how I would describe those who draws huge audiences of single BW, yet keep them on a merry-go-round…A BW guru must surely know the numbers just are not there…Yet some do not want to ‘make waves’ by bringing up a nasty little thing like the TRUTH, inconvenient as it may be…My question is do they even care?…I have a hunch their BW audiences continue to buy “MEssence” magazine’s eligible bachelor issue clinging to false hope…

Names of websites, publication titles and people have been changed to protect the innocent…Let’s just call the two ladies “Ruth” & “Orpah”...As we read on the reasoning behind this will become clear to many…This is a brief overview of what Orpah is offering to mainly a BW audience:

 

• Attract a loyal, loving and protective man by Awaiting2BAWife

• Avoid countless heartache by eliminating men in your life who only serve to keep you from sincere love.

• Be single but overcoming feelings of loneliness and emptiness by pursuing your true purpose to one day share with your husband

• Much more!

 

Another Message To Non-Christian As Well As Christian Women

This is followup to the post “Message To Christian Women – Pull Up A Chair” …One may either click on this link before or after reading this post…To Christian women: Remember to put your relationship with God before anyone’s doctrine…I challenge everyone to research and contemplate ALL messages (Including mine)…We should look to His word in our daily lives, in good times and bad…

To Non-Christians: I realize that there are many who are poor representatives of The Kingdom…I can be one of them at times…One of the main stumbling blocks which keeps people from knowing God…There is a lot of confusion…I also want the reader to know that everyone who professes Faith is not lockstep with one another…

To All: The following letters are for your consideration…Please feel free to share your thoughts…

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Dear Ruth,

This is the last email reminder you’ll receive about the
teleseminar tonight.

I’m excited to be able to share with you tonite during

“How Do I Know…?”

Make sure you have pen and paper ready to jot down the things I’ll
be sharing in this call.

WHEN: November 13, 2009 from 6:30pm  to 8:00pm PST (9:30pm – 11:00pm EST).

To call in, dial (724) 444-9999 with access code 70154

Can’t wait to talk with you then!

Orpah-Founder, Awaiting2BAWife

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Dear Ruth,

I hope you enjoyed the call as much as I enjoyed sharing with you.
You ladies are awesome, and I am humbled that you were encouraged
by the call tonight.

Remember Ruth, if you want to participate in the

 

“Wife______Transformation”  program, there is still time to register before the sale ends tomorrow, 11/14/09 at noon.

To begin your  “Wife______Transformation”  program right now, click on

http://www.Wife______Transformationprogram.com.If you missed the call, a recording will be made available for you
to purchase.  More information on that coming soon.I look forward to sharing with you again.

Sincerely,

Orpah
Awaiting2BAWife
http://www.Awaiting2BeeAWife.com

 

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Hi Orpah,

Thanks for following up with the email. I congratulate you on your success with the blog, book and your marketing campaign. I wanted to let you know I did enjoy the call and hearing your commentary and listening to the ladies but made a few observations…. I decided at the last minute to propose a question to you about interracial marriage. I noticed your hesitancy to answer and when I heard your response, and I was not pleased.

I am the founder and CEO of “______Black Brides”, (to launch around Thanksgiving). I research and contribute a bit to the interracial blogs. Many black women are starting to look outside the black community for mates so they ask questions and seek like minded sisters in the process. I and several of the Ivy League bloggers have pointed several to your common sense site and pushed your book, conference (in PA) and teleseminars. (This was based solely on my recommendation that you made so much sense). We can all use this information, but you are doing your readers and followers a disservice by dissuading interracial marriage.

We would have to be living on Mars to know that we as Americans still don’t have a ways to go in this country regarding race relations. The truth is we will always have racism and it should not be a reason for NOT considering white or non black men for quality husbands. And to give the example of having to explain that you didn’t get that job or promotion because you are black to someone who doesn’t understand is not totally honest nor does it represent the majority of situations.

Not only are there white men (wm) who would understand, but they would encourage their wives to keep their heads up and succeed in spite of discrimination and prejudices. After all, wm married to bw will also face stigma, discrimination, racism and sometime danger for their very lives. So why in the world wouldn’t he understand? I could hear the women anxiously awaiting your response. You have to know Orpah that you shattered their hopes and shut them down with your disapproval. These women were counting on you and your wisdom for guidance and again I say you let them down. You know the situation is grim for some sisters and to further encourage them to wait on a black man is a travesty when you see the current situation of the black community. You may want to watch the last episode of “The Amazing Race15″ and watch how humble and patient and super loving this wm (Brian) is to his angry and frustrated bw (Ericka former Miss America 2004) wife during one leg of the race in the Netherlands. That is love by any stretch of the imagination. This clip shows how much of a man Brian really is and how much love he loves and would sacrifice for his wife. Ericka’s mother won’t even accept her wm husband and has disrespected them for over 2 years of marriage and during their courtship. That is shameful.

Some of us thought your recent “WAIT On the Lord” blog was brilliant and even linked the blog on their sites. This is another reason I decided to listen in on the teleseminar so I could refer sisters to partake in your 4 week course. But you really don’t have black women’s entire best interests at heart if you don’t steer these ladies to expand their options and look everywhere God may lead them to find a mate. Since you claim to have a Bible based view of marriage, it would be one thing if you could provide scripture for your thinking and theories. But your ideas are strictly your opinions to which you are fully entitled. But the Bible says nothing about not marrying interracially. As a matter of fact, it mentions that Moses married and Ethiopian wife and you know what happened to Miriam when she criticized it don’t you?

You are so great at quoting other scriptures again as that is the basis of your entire blog, book, marketing. etc. I just hope that you will open your mind to the possibility of even expanding your message to include seeking out non black men for your readers. The reality is that the majority of bw are single and sisters have to start taking control of their lives and being responsible for their own happiness. On the IR blogs, all that is being said is to look for a quality man regardless of his race.

And I know all about Paul’s message to the Corinthians about being unequally yoked. Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said: “I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people.” Therefore come out from them and be separate, says the Lord. Touch no unclean thing, and I will receive you. I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty. 2 Corinthians 6:14-18 It is a warning, not a commandment and it has to do with religion not race as many people throw up this scripture in error when referring to IR marriage.

I agree with the passage, but I also know Christians married to non believers of the same race and they are doing fine as well as their children. I am married interracially and fortunately for me we shared the same faith. That was more important than the race issue believe me. But I still do know Christians who have won their spouses to God with love, prayer, patience and understanding. Paul’s words are not to be taken lightly. God has called us to live in peace. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband?… 1 Corinthians 7:16.

Even if we are unequally yoked, we are still subject to God’s word in our roles within the marriage. If both parties are doing as they should, then things can go a lot more smoothly although our faith and patience will at times be tried. They are tried even when going well with same race spouses and our strength helps us through these times with God’s help. I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13.

It appeared to me that you Orpah are a respecter of persons with regard to interracial marriage. I am sure you know about Peter’s revelation of favoritism or discrimination against others based on their race or nationality. “Then Peter opened his mouth, and said, Of a truth I perceive that God is no respecter of persons.” Acts 10:34. If God is not a respecter of persons, then why should we be? James warns about harboring prejudices (or showing favoritism) very clearly in chapter 2:1-13.

Many white and black people have had to check themselves because of the racial prejudice in their hearts. I don’t know how people think they are going to Heaven with some of the hatred they have for other races in their heart. Yet they are in church every Sunday and mid week Bible study as if they are wholly following God’s word. God is not going to say to them “Welcome home, good and faithful servant.” He is going to be saying “Depart from me, I never knew you.” He is going to say it to a whole bunch of white and black folks alike. We understand there are racial issues but again, true love can find its way to anyone who has sincere love for another human being regardless of race.

As I said earlier, we as black people know the society in which we live, we as black women further know the complicated issues we face among our own in our communities. It is no coincidence that more than 70% of sisters are unmarried and really would like to be. Based on the 2008 estimated population stats found at census.gov; enen if every Black man in America (between the ages of 25-64) married a Black woman, over 1.7 million Black women will still be without mates if other options are not considered. Fleace Weaver, founder of the “Free Your Mind” seminar series quotes: “If interracial dating should not be an option, what solution would you offer these women other than sharing a man or living alone?”

2008 African-American estimated population found on census.gov

Female, Ages 25-64: 20,419,202
Male Ages, 25-64: 18,639,632

(Visual Aid: CW adds the “Free Your Mind” banner!)

You cannot ignore these in-your-face facts. We didn’t make them up. We also didn’t ask for the current situation on race relations in this country. But we can enjoy, Christian interracial relationships. Even non Christian interracial relationships can be enjoyed as I know sisters who have married Hindi (India)Muslim (Lebanese, Bengali, Iranian) and Jewish (Israel, Russian) Buddhist (Chinese, Korean, Japanese) men and they with their children and families are very happy.

Now I realize still that interracial marriage is not for everybody, I would just hope that you take time to consider what you are advising women. Yes they are grown and can make up their own minds eventually but as you have grown your business giving advice to women ready for marriage, you are short changing them by this God and nothing but a black man thinking. The God part is great, but the nothing but a black man thinking is unfair to women who need to expand their options. They need to be advised to vet their men carefully and choose a good, quality man regardless of race and not to just seek out black men. I realize this is your blog and you can do as you please. You don’t have to respond to me or ever hear from me again.

I hope that you are not angered by my letter to you. I just had to voice my concern with the call and your obvious stance on this issue. You could be a mighty alliance with my site (I was going to offer you a free 6 month ad on my site) and the blogs as they have earned mainstream credibility. They are often contacted by the mainstream media (CNN, FOX, ABC, NBC, MSNBC, TV and Radio etc) countless producers, movie directors, screenwriters, talk shows, magazines and blogs for interviews, opinions and help. I have answered many PR calls myself and it would have been great to consider you an ally. I don’t think you are interested but that is ok. I again just wanted to inform you of my opinions.

Yes, I am married and only listened in to the call because I wanted to start referring of all the single sisters I know and who write in for advice to your site for guidance. I also intended to refer several to you “Wife______Transformation”  program but under the circumstances, I can no longer support your efforts. I am not asking you to change. I realize that you don’t need me or any of the bloggers to operate profitably and you feel how you feel, I am just disappointed that you feel the way you do.

I am not asking you to justify or explain your feelings, you are entitled to feel as you do, again, I am just disappointed that you are not advising some vulnerable sisters who need to explore all of their options, to look outside the black community for a Godly, quality mate who could make them happy. Some will still marry black men, they just need to be aware of all their options. That’s all.

Sincerely,

Ruth

PS: In case you don’t know about the Ivy League bloggers, here are some of their links. Again, none of them is a black male basher. They all know and love wonderful black men. But they are stating facts as seen and lived daily in our communities. The Ivy Leaguers don’t always *agree 100% with each other, but they all give no nonsense, common sense advice to sisters looking to find love wherever it may be found regardless of race.

(*CW: For example I don’t believe Christians should necessarily marry Buddhists or other religions which may conflict with those beliefs…But opening oneself up to ALL skin colors will greatly increase a woman’s chance of finding a quality mate!)

Many accuse them of being sell-outs, pushing white men on sisters just for the sake of having a wm; or claim that these bloggers think that white men are the panaceas and once with a wm that bw will never have problems again. That is a lie and just plain silly. Again, these bloggers offer common sense advice to sisters who want to expand their dating pools. It is as simple as that. I hope you check them out for yourself and see — with an open mind. (You may find a link or two to your last blog, but they won’t be there for long based on your views and opinions. Then again, you may not want to be affiliated with the blogs anyway based on their views and opinions). I do wish you the best.

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Ruth,

I realize you are very passionate about your feelings regarding interracial marriage. Although I understand that everyone should choose their own mate, and I do believe that race should not be a hindrance, there are still people who view others based on their race, and I don’t want to women to believe that because there are many African-Americans in jail, etc. that the obvious option is to date men of other races.

Unlike the woman who asked the question, and has been pursued by Caucasian men, many women who look at the statistics are not facing lack of men, but are ignoring available men in their own circle of influence.

I applaud you for championing your cause, and pray that God would continue to lead and guide you in your marriage, and those you encourage on your web site.

Blessings,

Orpah

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CW: More Scripture for the reader to contemplate

Galatians 2:6

But of these who seemed to be somewhat, (whatsoever they were, it maketh no matter to me: God accepteth no man’s person:) for they who seemed to be somewhat in conference added nothing to me:

Romans 2:11

For there is no respect of persons with God.

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CW Writes:

Ruth…You made your position clear, compelling and most of all respectful…A lot of BW are like trained cattle who will not dare cross an invisible fence….Fear of upsetting the applecart often clouds judgment…Despite the dire statistics, those in a leadership role would rather lead us to slaughter than step out in REAL FAITH!

-CW

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CW: BW are continuously sent out to the dating arena as the one-armed paperhanger…So in the very likely event this endeavor results in a FAIL, we can easily say that same woman somehow “screwed it up”….

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Thanks CW. I knew you would see through to the underlying issue. What the? Despite the dire statistics, those in a leadership role would rather lead us to slaughter than step out in REAL FAITH! You got that right! I just can’t get over hearing the anticipation from the callers waiting for her response. It got very quiet as they eagerly awaited Orpah’s answer just to have the idea ripped apart in front of them. I hope these ladies can think for themselves, take what they can from Orpah’s good advice and keep it moving.

The sad thing is that Orpah represents the majority. You Ivy Leaguers are the minority but the perseverance is really paying off. Loves it!

Have a good evening as it is only 7:30 there (I think).

I am glad that Orpah was not bitter by my letter, but her response below proves that she just does not get it and I will not engage in any further dialog. I am glad that Orpah did not appear to harbor any ill feelings, but something tells me that I will see something on her site addressing this issue soon.

Ruth

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CW: We spoke too soon….Orpah follows up:

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Ruth,

Just read your entire email, and wanted to share with you a few things.

Number one — I don’t promote women looking for men.  I promote women responding to the men who are interested in them.  And if a woman sees the world the same way as a man, irregardless of their race, then they have the bases for a loving marriage.

Now, my position in the arena of relationships and marriage is to prepare women for what they will experience once they are in their respective marriages.  And I enjoy doing it, because if you are prepared for what is ahead, you can respond more effectively in life.

Therefore, my response to your question wasn’t to dissuade women from responding to men of other races.  My response was to expose to the listeners the realities of what they may encounter as they build families and homes with people of other cultures, ideas, and ways of living.

And if they are prepared to handle what will be a new experience for them, they will be more successful in their homes, as I am sure you are in yours.

Marriage isn’t easy — the state of our African-American community is painful to live in.  But the solution to our problems is not the run after another race, but to seek purpose, and accept whomever God sends to us, because with them we can fulfill our purpose as one.  I chose to believe that you sought purpose, and God brought you and your husband together.  And you will experience so much together, because of your purpose to fulfill in your life.

My web site is not in response to the growing number of black women who are single, or the enormous amount of Christian women who are single.  My web site, blog, and everything else is a response to the lack of marital education that exists in our world today.  That’s why I don’t reference cultural or social issues in my post.  I always keep to the Truth, foundated by the Word of God, because the Truth will help everyone at the same time — irregardless of their race.

You could have emailed me to discuss this further, or scheduled to speak to me on the phone, but you chose to judge me based on a few sentences on a 2 hour call.  You assumed that I didn’t support interracial marriages, because I didn’t respond in total elation, and I never do that with any situations presented to me.  My job is to make sure you’re prepared for the challenges of life, so that you can enjoy its rewards.

If you’d like to use a biblical reference to encourage the women you encourage on your web site, then consider the story of Esther.  Here is a woman who had to learn a new way of life, to be a suitable wife for her husband.  And her husband the king, after learning her true heritage, had to respond to her needs as a Israelite, and not at the queen.  That’s what it takes to be married to someone of another culture.  It takes application to what that person needs, and you may have to learn and accept different ways of living, instead of trying to erase them.

You are a powerful woman, who shares with many others in your life.  Please don’t make the mistake of assuming that others reject you or your life choices, because you then put yourself in the same position you accuse them of being in.  You pre-judge them.

God Bless You,

Orpah

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CW: Notice whenever someone obfuscates the heart of the matter it is always for our own protection?…Please!…Where are the advocates for Black women in church who are like sitting ducks for predators mindlessly heeding the “wait” doctrine?

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*Update* Another has witnessed this exchange and wants to share a message…Naomi chimes in & responds to Ruth:

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Ruth,

I’m not even going to read that ignorant mess.  As long as a woman is marrying a man and not an alien or animal she IS marrying within her “race”.  There is only ONE race of humans called Homo sapiens.  ”Race” is societally influenced and a construct.  1/3rd of all white Americans have African ancestry that is detectable on DNA tests.  More than 1/3rd of black Americans have European ancestry that is detectable on DNA tests.  Nearly ALL Hispanic identified people from the Dominican Republic, Puerto Rico, Cuba, and elsewhere have genetically detectable (and often physically detectable to the naked eye) African-Ancestry.  Same with Sicilians, Arabs, Portuguese, and other non black identified groups.

So… the mixing has ALREADY taken place.  Most new world people are simply not “pure” anymore if you go back far enough.  This “race” business is socially constructed and determined.

IMO Any BW listening to this mess about  so-called “racial loyalty” SMH must not really be THAT upset about their single status.

People who are truly upset and concerned DO something about their situation to alleviate the distress.

So…  Apparently enough single BW have simply accepted their fate.  Which is their right.  BUT, IMO they shouldn’t feel angry or bitter about a situation that CAN be changed if they change their attitude and loyalties.

To my knowledge there’s not ONE BM anywhere encouraging BM to marry these BW their using sexually.  Not ONE BM schooling BM on how to be better husbands – or husbands period – and fathers.  Well there is Bill Cosby.  That’s one.  Ya’ll get my point.

You’d have to be imbecilic to not see that there’s a double standard here.

And why a woman would even associate with someone or group who holds her in less value – or even no value – is beyond me.

I guess it’s all a symptom of low self-esteem.  That’s why BW REALLY need to be more particular about who they allow into their lives.  It should be on a one on one basis based on reciprocity and fairness.  Instead of this “group” nonsense.

Because it’s apparent to me that most of the “group” don’t care if BW self-actualize or not.  The “group” is too focused on BM’s interest over BW.  So what exactly does a BW get from being focused on a population/”group” that doesn’t have her self-interest in mind to begin with?SMH

It’s stupid.

-Naomi

And for those who want to get more scientific, Naomi provides the evidence:

About the 1/3rd of white Americans part…

http://knol.google.com/k/afro-euro-genetic-admixture-in-the-united-states#

How do Ancestry-Informative Autosomal DNA Markers Relate to “Racial” Appearance?

About one-third of White Americans are of between two and twenty percent recent African genetic admixture, as measured by the ancestry-informative markers in their DNA.¹⁹ This comes to about 74 million Americans. And yet, day-to-day experience teaches that virtually all White Americans look, well, White. Some may look more Mediterranean and others may look more Nordic, but very few White Americans have a distinctively African appearance. How can one reconcile DNA measurements with common experience?

An anecdote may help illustrate the problem. Look again at the chart of Skin Tone as Function of Afro-European Admixture. Consider one of the graph’s outlier points—a “European American” individual plotted as having 11 percent²⁰ African genetic admixture. Dr. Shriver, the project team leader, became curious about this individual for two reasons. First, the person’s African genetic admixture was unusually high for someone who self-identified as a member of the U.S. White endogamous group. Second, the sample had been taken from State College, Pennsylvania, the site of Dr. Shriver’s own campus.²¹ According to Dr. Shriver:

I had the result for two or three years before I even looked up the ID number of the person whom we tested. I looked at who it was and it was me! I checked myself and the rest of my relatives and tracked it through my family. I never considered that there were any African people in my family. There’s no real variation in my family. The admixture must have been pretty far back. It just so happens that we can detect it with the markers we have. My mom especially stood out as being surprised, maybe because I told her it was coming through her father. She still doesn’t believe it about her family! The part of Pennsylvania where my mother’s father came from is where the Underground Railroad ended. There are several towns right here in Southern Pennsylvania where there are very light-skinned African-American communities that are the remnants of the Underground Railroad.²²

It seems that Dr. Shriver’s maternal grandfather moved from Pennsylvania to Iowa, then to California, leaving behind in the process most of his ties with his relatives.²³ Dr. Shriver, it turns out, (see photograph above) is one of the 74 million White Americans with significant recent African genetic admixture.

In a coincidentally similar fashion, Dr. Rick Kittles, Shriver’s collaborator from Howard University in Washington, discovered that he carries the FY-null genetic marker at genome position 1q23.2. This marker is found in 998 out of every thousand Europeans but found in only one out of thousand Africans. Many of Dr. Kittles’s other ancestry-informative markers tell the same unexpected story. Dr. Kittles (see photograph above) is one of the many Black Americans with strong European genetic admixture. And yet, and there is no other way to say this, Dr. Shriver “looks White” and Dr. Kittles definitely “looks Black.” Why is there such a discrepancy between measured genetic admixture and physical appearance?

A good example of a for all intents and purposes notable white man (who does consider himself black because of his experiences and knowlege of his black relatives) with recent African-Ancestry below…

This is an article about the new President of the University of Cincinnati.  This man is white for all itents and purposes meaning he looks it, and is treated as such.  Yes, he personally considers himself African-American and he found out about his black family members early in his life (his Grandmother was a black maid and her biracial son – his father – called himself Italian to try to sheild himself and family from the virulent racist at the time) , but there are countless others just like him so simply have no clue at all.

http://www.magazine.uc.edu/1009/president.htm

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I am including an excerpt from my book “Black Women Deserve Better” to illustrate this wicked game…

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Looking to God for Answers

Yes, I am going there! The only disclaimer I will give this passage is that it has nothing to do with my love for God. I am also far from perfect, but this does not disqualify me from pointing ongoing problems in the church. I do not believe His hand is in many of the shenanigans witnessed in Black churches. When I lacked understanding, my anger and questions were directed at God. God is awesome but still allows humans free will. After tampering with His plan, we can return to the right way of doing things. There has been an unspoken rule not to speak on the Black church’s role in keeping Black women single. Where should we begin? First of all, the Bible is being used as an unwilling accomplice to the “Called to be single” doctrine. From my vantage point, someone is getting a sweet deal in keeping around accomplished, bright, single Black women, with disposable funds at the ready. Call me cynical, but the absence of single Black women eternally free to cook dinners, volunteer endless hours, tithe, and run a gambit of  ministries would leave many in a lurch. Hiring out these services would cost a fortune. This is another example of a situation where we all need to ask, Who benefits? Single Black women are often afraid to question this arrangement for fear of being rebuked. Is being a satisfied single the missing commandment? If the questions become too frequent and too loud the “singleness is a gift” mantra is crammed down her throat. In addition, her faith in God is questioned for “Making an idol” out of marriage. From personal experience, this is a major contributor to church hurt. Single women are often made to feel guilty for having an education, career and a place to lay her head at night. Otherwise, where would she live? I do not anticipate church leaders raising up to demand that single men take on a wife and stop procrastinating. God ordained marriage. The directive from Him to “Be fruitful and multiply” comes to mind. It’s the world that has perverted His plan into a “Forever satisfied single” doctrine.  We should all pray for God’s direction, especially when making life-altering decisions. However, He will not send a mate via air courier. Singles must get moving! Another deception is that single Christian women have to jump through more flaming hoops than circus tigers in order to be deemed worthy of a spouse. Each book, sermon and seminar will place another obstacle in the way of marriage. The following list of actions includes great character builders in themselves; however, they appear to be used as stall tactics. Here are some of the ”go throughs” which are set before single Christian women:

-Sanctification

-Purification

-Trials by fire

-Fasting

-Waiting on the “breakthrough”

-Learning the art of ”submission.” Practice with dad, pastor, employer, neighbors, male dog, and the grocery boy

-Learning to be content with just the Lord

-Continuously exorcising the cemetery called “the past”

-Do more volunteer work

-Endless singles conferences that usually costs $50 and up a head. How much money do Black women spend on these things? Figure in lodging, gas, food, and purchasing supplemental materials relevant to the conference, and someone is making a mint!

-Working with youth groups, taking on babysitting, and holding other people’s infants to quell the desire for your own

(Update: Now single Black women are called to adopt BonQuisha & Ray-Ray’s & kids without considering the implications!)

-Reading more books advising the Christian woman to do all of the above again

The cycle never ends. That leaves Black women in their thirties, forties, and even fifties (yikes!) still waiting on God to deliver a Christian man in a sanctuary with little to no men. There is a popular Christian author who has put out several “Waiting on the Lord” books. She is a Black woman in her forties and has been waiting for a mate since I’ve began reading her books in the late 1990s. Sometimes I wonder if she is waiting for a Christian Black man in her church to rise up. Or is it something a bit more sinister?…

People Features Mitrice Richardson & Adji Desir

God is GOOD! I was beyond pleased to see this cover at the grocery checkout stand today:

No, it’s NOT enough action by the mainstream media…Not by a LONG SHOT…And of course we’ve got quite a journey before Missing Black women/children get equal exposure…But this is a good start and clear indicator of moving in a positive direction…Now it is our job to keep the pressure on while supporting those who look out for our interests…Black women bloggers have done an excellent job covering the Mitrice Richardson story…Sadly this is the first time I’ve heard of 7yo Adji Desir, a little boy with special needs, who has been missing since January 10th…More info is provided in the links below:

Videos:

Updates & The Police Recordings

Adji Desir

Other Resources:

Black & Missing But Not Forgotten

Find Mitrice

Naples News

True Crime Report

What About Our Daughters

Sojourner’s Place

Acts of Faith

FBI.Gov

Repost -Lorraine Interviews: Valentine’s Day Dream Come True

Valentine’s Day Dream Come True

When Aisha Plante met her husband Steven while they were both were Resident Advisors at the University of Massachusetts, Lowell; they had nothing more than a great friendship.  That was in 2000 when they were juniors  — Aisha a Psychology major and Steven majored in Economics.  On February 13, 2001, they decided to take their friendship to the next level.  What a wonderful way to start a romance — on Valentine’s Day!  Aisha and Steven have never looked back.  Being an interracial couple was no big deal for them.  They loved each other as people.

Fast forward 8 years, you find a truly happy family that now includes a beautiful and precious baby daughter.  Aisha is a program manager for Easter Seals H S Program; and Steven is a Commercial Lines Insurance Underwriter for an insurance company.

You can view their MySpace page here:  http://www.myspace.com/aishaandsteve

Aisha and Steven Plante

What is your husbands ethnicity?

My husband is Italian and French Canadian

How did you meet?

As students at the University of Massachusetts, Lowell

And how long had you known him when you got married?

We dated for 4 1/2 years before getting married.

When were you married?

September 10, 2005

Was this your first interracial relationship?

This is my first and only interracial relationship.

How did you feel about interracial marriage and relationships before you were in one?

I have always believed that you should be with the one you love no matter their ethnicity.

Do you feel any different about interracial marriage and relationships now?

No, I feel the same.

Did you ever or do you now face skeptics and criticism from friends and/or family about your interracial marriage?

My friends and family did not have an issue with my relationship.  It’s usually from strangers.
One day, my husband and I went to New York City. This man on the street started yelling at me for not choosing a black man. I ignored it only because I was going to say something that I would have regretted.

Do you recall how you first informed your friends and family of your interracial relationship and subsequent marriage?

I told my mother over the phone when I knew my husband and I were seriously dating. My friends knew my husband, so there wasn’t a big revelation. As far as our marriage, both families and our friends were happy for us and were more than willing to help us plan the wedding.

What about your husbands family?

My husband was worried about how his family would react because his parents are older and were not around any minorities.

Did you or he face any criticism from them?

When I started calling him at home (over summer break), I could sense that his parents knew that I was not white.  When I met them, everyone welcomed me with open arms. My race never was an issue.

Have you ever felt pressure or experienced a significant difference between your non interracial and interracial relationships?

I felt pressure to be “more” African American when I was with a man of my race. I never felt that I was “black enough” for them. I felt out of place and I could not be myself.

Do you feel that there are societal criticisms and pressures concerning interracial relationships from both the blacks and whites?

Yes, there are definitely societal criticisms and pressures. I think people are looking for interracial relationships to fail, just to prove that they can’t work, which is not true.

Do you attribute or connect it to negative or lasting images of slavery in the black community?

I believe that it is a result of the images of slavery in the black community. Its almost like, how dare a black person date, marry and have children with a white person after all our people have been through. If everyone thought that way, our country would be even more divided than we are now.

Do you have children?

Yes we have a 16 month old daughter.

How will race figure into child rearing for you?

We are both going to educate our daughter as to what her ethnicity is and encourage her to embrace all of her and not just one side.

What will your advice be to your daughter when she first experience experiences racism?

We live in a predominantly white town. She will most likely be a minority in her class and school due to being bi-racial.  When and if she were to experience racism, we would explain to her that there is nothing wrong with her and would let her know that unfortunately, there are people who are not as accepting of others because of their race.  Since there is nothing she can do about it, we will encourage her to live her life without these worries.  We will teach her to be proud of who she is and where she comes from.

Where do you live? We live in Salem, New Hampshire

Do you think Salem is a good place for interracial couples and families?

Yes, I do. There are 3 other interracial families in our neighborhood. We have not been subjected to any racism since moving to New Hampshire.

Do you have any suggestions for black women just entering interracial relationships?

Yes a few words.  Don’t let nay-sayers dictate your relationship. Use your race as an opportunity to educate one another.  You really can learn about each others race, culture and traditions. You may be surprised to find that you have a lot more in common than you think.

Thank you.

23:59 Nearing Midnight – Fruitless Dialogue & Endeavors

Welcome to the third edition of my “Nearing Midnight” series…Time is also running out for Black women…Due to our collective nature, we seek to understand, empathize and reach out…Often at our own peril…This is a different world where vigilance must be employed for survival…

-There are those who get it

AND

-Those who don’t

Either way we look at it, time is very short…Those who get it will more than likely use their time more productively…The effort spent on trivial pursuits will be wasted and cannot be retrieved…Right now I’ve got to be a little firm with the sisters!

Look…I know how tough it is not to jump and defend ourselves when taunted or slighted…My inbox gets filled with letters from dissenters frequently attempting to taunt and degrade me…I get correspondence from those who are plagued by the same…Their mission is to penetrate mine and the resolve of other BWE bloggers/readers…If nothing else those same dissenters are consistent because many have allowed themselves to be baited…Your misdirected focus is their reward…Trolls and bashers will continue doing what’s been working for them…Black women: ‘They’ are seeing the results of our outreach and will continue to raise the price of poker until the very end…

1 Corinthians 10:23

“All things are lawful for me, but all things are not expedient: all things are lawful for me, but all things edify not.”

Which means I am not going to dicker over whether every little thing in the blogosphere is technically right or wrong…Instead, the question should be if ___(choose any act)____ brings us closer or further from our goal…Is this website, relationship, expenditure, etc a asset or a liability?

When we argue with fools, onlookers from a distance cannot tell who is who!

Your Job? Expect Better…Live Better!

Arguing and debate tells detractors automatically that we question our own worth…By engaging these factions we repeatedly give these factions credibility…It screams:

“Maybe I am not worthy of protection”

“Perhaps my feelings are wrong”

“I depend on you for my happiness”

Seeking validation via this route is a bad idea at best…

Which brings us to my next question:

Why are BW continuously negotiating their release with a prisoner? A prisoner cannot FREE you ma’am! I shake my head at those who ask CADS (Conquered & Defeated Souls) for a key to an invisible jail cell…Are you kidding me? CADS are unable to escape THEIR OWN bondage long enough to do anything productive…They are clearly unable and/or unwilling to provide love, protection, provisions for any BW…Why position yourself as a beggar to someone who cannot possibly be of assistance?

CADS  will come up with ANY convoluted reason not to:

-Step up and take dominion over what they were originally designed

-Take any proactive steps to improve any situation…Any Solution involving personal accountability and an action plan on their behalf will quickly be shunned..The responsibility WILL ALWAYS fall onto someone else…SOMEONE ELSE will ALWAYS have to act FIRST…Simultaneously, CADS of all backgrounds will inundate the listener with a laundry list of what they SHOULD NOT nor CANNOT do… No progressive action plan will come from these sources…

Stall Tactics & Other Diversions:

Let me offer further evidence that entities who corner BW into debate have no interest ins discussing the topic at hand…Hopefully this will END our idealism about these talks once and for all…Allow me delve further into this…I will list versions of the most common bait DBR’s and other contrarians use to keep us on the hamster wheel…Then, I will demonstrate why we should all ignore these red-herrings and ask some deeper questions…Read carefully as the proof will jump out at us…Once again, the devil will be revealed in the details:

“You hate our race & worship others…White, Hispanic, ___(fill in blank)_____ do bad things too…”

-Congratulations! Now you’re having an asinine conversation with a grown adult about how there is  good and evil in all…Give me a break!…A seven-year-old who reads fairytales knows the basic concept of right and wrong without regards to race…This also mirrors that same child who screams “I hate you” or  “You hate me” when things don’t go their way..

“Were you abused as a child?…Didn’t have a daddy huh?”

So what if you were?…An obvious shaming/silencing tactic to prevent those who would have any background from speaking out…People who speak from personal experience typically have more insight on the matter…Survivors of any crisis usually captivate the interests of their audiences and compels ACTION…This is why they don’t want people to talk…But yet many still ‘defend’ themselves to these low-brow entities out of shame…

“Some man must have did you wrong…No man has stayed…You can’t keep a man” (You may hear the feminist/lesbian thing occasionally but in 2009 those are not sticking too well *wink*…Most of us KNOW where our interests lie!)

We can all see thru this one! BW are now supposed to sulk off in shame due to failures which are often out of their control…If marriage and stable family lives are not upheld to a high standard, chaos is the result…

“Let’s talk about the slave trade/Jim Crow/The Man In The Moon and how unfair it is to be me in America”

I will extrapolate this topic on a future post…However, be on guard when hearing “bondage talk”…This is *forced teaming which neutralizes the target mentally and otherwise from taking proactive steps to protect their own safety/interests…

*Forced Teaming-This is when a person tries to pretend that he has something in common with a person and that they are in the same predicament when that isn’t really true.

“I’m a good minion…Find yourself a good minion…You shouldn’t put down all minions!”

Four leaf clovers and albino whales also exist…Does that mean it is productive to head up a search party for them? …I touched on this matter at Halima’s blog recently, discussing options available to BW:

“It’s not politically correct nor sounds very nice does it? Reminds me of the old adage: Everyone who smiles in your face is not your friend…When seeing someone headed in the wrong direction, a friend would tell them…Same goes for not telling that same friend the truth for what it is…Halima, you represent that friend to Black women…Anyone else who has a liking for the truth would say the same…Just because something may be “out there” doesn’t mean we drop everything else to go find it…A miner has a better chance of discovering uranium than every BW finding a suitable BM mate…The numbers and circumstances are just not there…People who fill BW’s head with these fairytales remind me of the vendors who advertise for Black Friday…Showcase plasma screen TV’s for $500 and only have three available…Meantime, the folk who pursue that sale will more than likely experience frustration, get trampled over and go home empty-handed…“

Example Of Subject Matter Which Should ALWAYS Be Ignored: Read More (Thanks Sonja!)

Case In Point- A Letter From CW’s Mailbag:

Of course I get the “CW DIE/CW YOU ARE THE ANTICHRIST/CW YOU HATE US emails…Trust me I hold those touching sentiments very close to my bosom…However, there are others who use more nefarious methods for entangling a BW within the ‘Web of Nowhere’…I admit, this guy is good and really knows how to pull on the ‘ol heart strings…J, IMO has actually hit on all of the methods used to keep BW in their place…

Self-Promotion – Check

Slavery -Check

The Po’ Maligned Black Man – Check

Black Women As ‘Mata Hari’ – Check

Exploiting The Love Of Our Moms/Grandmothers -Check

De Ebil White Man As A Cautionary Tale – Check

A Current Events Story With Possible Ties To Racism – Check

Drag An Unrelated Black Man Doing What He’s Supposed To Into The Mix – Check

Mean Nothing Assurances That He Does Not Wish To Infringe On BW’s RIghts – Check

The “Nobody’s Perfect” Anecdote – Check

Laying The Burdensome Cross Down At Someone Else’s Feet To Carry – Check

But the following amounts to nothing more than the same song & dance routine:

Dear CW,

As a conscious African American man, raised by a very strong African woman, I am, to a large extent, very offended by your blog and the cover of your book. Your book cover seems to depict this notion that the only way a woman of African descent can do better in a relationship is by dating, or marrying men with European features and ancestry. I refused to buy into that concept.

Before I get into any specifics as to why I am in total disagreement with your blog and book cover, let me clear up some points very quickly.

People of African descent have brown skin not black skin. If you look at a color chart, I am very sure that there is a clear distinction between brown and black. I detest being called black.

In the western hemisphere, everything that is bad is associated with the word black. It is very important for us, the people of African ancestry to be conscious of who we are. And it is equally important for us to know our history because if we don’t, any history will do. I hope this would explain the reason why I refer to us as Africans as opposed to blacks.

And now, in no particular order, here are some of the reasons why I am offended by your blog and book cover:

As a responsible man, I know there are quite a few brothers out there who are not handling their responsibilities to their girlfriends, wives and children. Using me as an example, my mother raised my four siblings and me by herself. She put us through prep school, elementary school, high school, and college all by herself. My father, though he had the means, failed woefully at his responsibilities. But, at the same time, I am very inspired by most men in my family for taking care of their responsibilities. Most of them are my father’s brothers and cousins.

As a college educated man, a man who has never been in trouble with the law, and living here in America, I understand the law. When I used to live in Brooklyn, I saw police brutally firsthand. I saw how European American cops (mostly of Italian and Irish descent) come into our community, daily, to meet their quotas by making arrests on bogus charges and writing excessive traffic related tickets.

When an African man and a European man, commit the same crime in the same city, why do both of them always end up facing two different criminal justice systems in America? This is a known fact. You can definitely research this statement.

Sean Bell was killed by 51 bullets on his wedding day. The cops who carried out the evil deed, supported by Bloomberg and Ray Kelly, were found not guilty of any criminal conduct for Bell’s assassination. On the contrary, Michael Vick was sentenced to 23 months after he pleaded guilty to federal dog fighting charges. Go figure.

As a publisher who once worked within the publishing industry in London and New York, I saw the level of inequalities and prejudice that permeate that industry, in terms of hiring non European staff..

Racial profiling, directed mainly towards African American and Latino men, has become a subculture of American law enforcement. Brothers with marijuana in their pockets are sent to Rikers Island while European men with far worst crimes are getting off with a smack on the back of their hands.

Given the past, present, and perhaps the future history of racial discrimination in this country, and the rest of the western world, people of European descent had committed and continue to commit inhuman crimes at a very alarming magnitude towards people of African descent. But, still, given all their (European) ruthless conduct, African men, regardless of their status in the society in which they live, are still being perceived as the quote and quote bogeymen.

Let me bring your attention to this article: http://ac360.blogs.cnn.com/2008/08/09/study-black-man-and-white-felon-same-chances-for-hire. The article denotes some of the problems that African men face, daily, in America. You may also want to check out this book: Marked: Race, Crime, and Finding Work in an Era of Mass Incarceration by Devah Pager.

Africans make up about 14 percent of the entire population in America, and 80 percent of the entire prison population are African men, how does one explain that? This statistic did not happen by accident, it happened and continue to happen by the collaborative effort of state and federal lawmakers.

Young African boys are being educated, in most cases, by European American women who do not understand the plight of these children and don’t really want to.

“Legalized discrimination — where blacks were prevented, often through violence, from owning property, or loans were not granted to African-American business owners, or black homeowners could not access FHA mortgages, or blacks were excluded from unions or the police force or the fire department — meant that black families could not amass any meaningful wealth to bequeath to future generations. That history helps explain the wealth and income gap between blacks and whites, and the concentrated pockets of poverty that persist in so many of today’s urban and rural communities.

A lack of economic opportunity among black men, and the shame and frustration that came from not being able to provide for one’s family contributed to the erosion of black families — a problem that welfare policies for many years may have worsened. And the lack of basic services in so many urban black neighborhoods — parks for kids to play in, police walking the beat, regular garbage pickup, building code enforcement — all helped create a cycle of violence, blight and neglect that continues to haunt us.”
--Senator Barack Obama. March 18, 2008

Two people can go into a situation and come out of it differently. My brothers, my friends and I are some of the lucky brothers out here. Our lives could have turned out negatively, but we give glories to God almighty for preserving our lives. Growing up without a father is really not easy for a young African boy.

There are some brothers out there who have allowed America to get the best of them. I know what it feels like as an African man with a college education and still not be able to get a job. I know what it feels like to be asked to train a European colleague who will then turnaround and take your job from you. I know African men who want to do right by their family but have no means. I have seen African men who have given up the hope of making it in this country.

Every time some European American men lose their jobs, they commit suicide. They end their lives because they can’t deal with the idea of not living comfortably. Whereas, when some African men lose their jobs, they buckle up their shoes and start looking for new a gig.

I am not sure if you work in corporate America or not. If you do, I am sure you would have seen the ratio of African men and women working in your establishment. I think the ratio of African women and men employed by corporate America is 7:3. European men tend to be uncomfortable in the midst of well educated African men. They can’t deal with the notion of having African men as their equals in corporations. They are more comfortable seeing them as their security officers, and in other subordinate roles. These are some of the reasons why there are more African women in corporate America than men.

As someone who has attended seminars at different colleges: Princeton, Howard, NYU, CUNY Colleges, just to name a few. I see young brothers at these institutions getting a college education. They are going to be leaders of tomorrow if they are given the same leg up as their European counterparts. European American men are committing serious crime, daily, and getting away with it. They have trust funds, they cushy jobs with prestigious firms, across the country, and the society is ready to be supportive every time they act up badly. When they express themselves, the society say that they are confident, and when African men do the same, the same society tell them that they are cocky.

I am not against you and your cohorts dating outside your race, but, please, don’t do that at the expense of putting all African men down as opposed to the few who are not taking of their responsibilities. You plastered your blog with photos of African women with their European male partners as if these men are their knights in shining armors.

I can just imagine one of these sisters confronting her knight for treating her badly, the European man would probably say to her that “I know you are not running into the warm embrace of a black guy because there aren’t any out there. Do you remember telling me that all black guys are bums? Besides, I am the best thing to ever happen to you since slice bread.”

Then, you wrote a book that detailed the shortcomings of African men, and you put the picture of a European man and an African woman on the cover, under the title: “Black Women Deserve Better.” As an African man and a publisher, I find the cover extremely offensive.

As a responsible man, I know it’s not easy for African American men, trust me, I do. There are always going to be some no good brothers giving the rest of us bad names. But there are a lot of good brothers out there taking of business. Your blog needs to be well balanced. You mainly point fingers at what African men are doing wrong without offering any possible solutions.

We all can do better, both men and women.

Peace and blessings

J

*******************AND THE ANGELS WEPT!*******************

Ahhh…Someone feels besmirched! I must admit he really covered all bases…Now you point out to me anyplace in that letter where J shows any concern for anything other than his own hide…No way, Jose…He wants the reader to be concerned about his station and other grown men who have made their own bed…I must have overlooked the heart-wrenching paragraphs about the many Black women and children who can use a man’s advocacy and protection…

In case you’re wondering…That letter, along with the many others, got no reply

Let Those Who Have Ears…

When working as a 911 dispatcher my job was to diffuse potentially dangerous situations…Quite often, callers on the other end of the line were despondent, hysterical and/or otherwise out of control…The person sometimes wanted to harm himself and others…For a number of reasons, in these situations there is a high probability that violence will ensue…

VERY IMPORTANT HERE: The goal was to distract my agitated person until the authorities arrived…I would ask pointed questions to get that person talking…Because if we got them to talk then the chances of any escalation would be greatly reduced…The aim was to bring up subject matter somewhat off-topic to redirect that person and buy more time…My concern was to neutralize any damage relating to the situation…I wasn’t personally interested in who was feeling what, why, nor of any motives…These people  wanting dialogue with BW who buck the “norm” don’t give a damn neither…Again, the ONLY purpose is to DIVERT, STALL & PREOCCUPY!

I think we’ve found ‘ol fork-tongue again!

Probing Question: Have we laid down our weapons by listening to distractions?

So BLACK WOMAN, TELL ME…Why the heck are you taking part in these discussions? Skinning & Grinning with  damaged entities will NOT make them come around…You will not get any more than a pat on the head…Trying to win approval from these types is a fruitless, non-productive endeavor!…”If only they can see what’s become of us…”  you say…This is ‘Magical Thinking’ based in ‘Fantasyland’…Come out of the graveyard and close the gate behind you!

Excerpt of the former message displayed in the preamble…I have taken it down as another indicator that it is time to move on!

So I will ask one last time…

A Message To Black Women:

PLEASE if at all possible, refrain from debating with factions on other sites (Topix, YouTube, BV, BP, etc)…I cringe when seeing these back and forth exchanges…This gets us nowhere and distracts from our purpose which is living the best life possible…Some BW are bogged down by frequently arguing with those who are irrelevant…Know this: We inflate folks importance by keeping these talks going…Do not expend ANYMORE energy into this…Cease trying to convince anyone to see the situation in a different light…Either these people (Black, White, or otherwise) get it or they DON’T!…The parties who want to keep Black women on a hamster wheel often try to taunt us into “debate” in order to preoccupy…If you’re on a messageboard debating then you’re not:

1. Going out and meeting people

2. Dating

3. Traveling

4. Learning new things

5.Connecting with a loved one

6.Watching Paint Dry…Even doing that would be more productive because that means you worked on a project…Something was painted!

7.(Fill In _______The Blank)

Note: This does not any way apply to those who are showing BW in loving relationships or helping them through much of the confusion…

It’s the constant debate that I’m speaking against

We need to begin DEFINING ourselves rather than DEFENDING ourselves (Thanks Rev.Lisa!)……Hey, if you really need to respond do it with a only link to this post or another relevant blog and MOVE ON…This will let certain folk know that we are not fooled but not getting trapped on the arguement that goes nowhere Ferris -Wheel…

Half Past Time To Move On

This forum encourages discussion, critical thinking and feedback….However I WILL NOT tolerate predator/criminal protectionism…And neither should anyone else whether or not they moderate a discussion forum…We need to RESIST simply reacting to the stupidity and utter ignorance and THINK!

Do not allow yourselves to be talked out of seeking justice and improvement for BW…The longer we sit around gabbing with those who do not have our interests first and foremost, the easier it will become to get lulled back in…Eased back into complacency and going along with  the “Okey Doke”…

Let’s take a look at some of the evidence:

Ms Esmin Green

Daniyah Jackson

Nailah Franklin

Latasha Norman

The two mothers & babies gunned down in Indianapolis

The three mothers gunned down in St. Louis

Two women shot for ignoring an unsolicited come-on

Dunbar Village

Alexis Goggins

Stepha Henry

Sgt. Jan Pawel Pietrzak and his wife, Quiana Pietrzak

Critical Thinking: Fill in the blanks with other Black women who did not receive assistance from “The Good Ones” …Now think of the parties who’ve had backing despite their own contribution to the mess they’re in….Also consider those who are still elevated in spite of obvious guilt..

Bottom Line: NO DISCUSSIONS should take place with folk who do not even feign an interest in our well-being!

Rev Al, Jesse nor the NAACP are coming to our aide guys…Help is NOT on the way from them! Help is not on the way unless WE draw a clear line in the sand and take definitive steps to ensure our well-being…Cannot play both sides against the middle and expect those looking in to take us seriously…

There are no marches, committees nor protests for these atrocities committed against Black women.  When will we cease giving endless support to a false community which openly (with misogynist music), or with silence, endorse cruelty against us?

We cannot go on pretending the so called Black “leadership”has our best interests at heart. The rare occasions “Black leadership” has shown their face for BW is where there is a possibility of playing the race card…Black women must cease and desist any support of these organizations and their figureheads…Change the channel and pretend as if they don’t exist…Because in reality and where it counts, they DO NOT exist for Black women…

We are at an impasse here…I have been saying “The Time Is NOW” for awhile…I am and will continue to work on forward-moving projects…Bigger and better things are being laid out for those who are serious about moving on…The reader will notice this trend across the BWE blogs…

To All Sides Of The Issue: NOW it’s time to either put up or shut up…Let’s pledge to move on once and for all!

Aren’t I cuddly???

Oldie But Goodie- “Love In Asia:Hello Mimi, My Love” (Thanx Xai Xai!)

An Ode to Black Women ‘On The Move’…Warning: No English Subtitles, but nevertheless JOY transcends any language barrier!

Lightshigh’s Channel

 

(Oh yeah, BTW…It is clear that Mimi does not ‘hate’ her people because she chose to marry a Korean man!)

Video Blurb: Rihanna’s Interview (Part 2 Added)

Update (Thanx, S)

Update On 20/20 Tonite 11-13-09 – Viewers Reactions:

Quick update,

Since the interview, many abused women called the National Domestic Violence HOTLINE. after watching the interview. Calls went up by 59%. The helpline for Teens calls went up 73%.Watch her short interview here : The stats are talked about at 1:41. I’m so glad this is helping women and young girls. Screw the haters and anti-bw, lives are being saved!

 

 

Up & Coming Author: Carolyn van Es-Vines

Carolyn’s Website: black and (A)broad

The Book: Black and (A)broad

 

Synopsis

After accepting her Dutch boyfriend’s invitation to move from sultry New Orleans, Carolyn finds herself in the land of windmills, wooden shoes and endless gray skies. As she moves away from the remnants of her tragic childhood and America’s obsession with race, she is plunged into the depths of homesickness, depression and a declaration of war on her own hair.

She travels through motherhood and a career change, and her determination is put to the test. On the way to self-discovery, she ends up finding love, soul sisters and the secret to avoiding bad hair days.

In this mid-life memoir, Carolyn writes candidly about how being mistaken for a prostitute in Austria, losing her passport in Cuba and dealing with Dutch people on their bikes (among other quirky adventures) have changed her ideas about being a black woman in the world.

black and (A)broad: Doing it in Holland to be released early 2010.

Author Interview:

More Than Wooden Shoes and Windmills:  Carolyn van Es-Vines Finds Life, Liberty and Happiness in the Netherlands

Mrs. van Es-Vines granted our readers and interview her perspective of being interracially married…Unfortunately, due to circumstances, she has declined to include photos of her family at this time…Hopefully everyone will use their imaginations and enjoy this piece in the spirit which it was given:

Where were you born?

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

What is your husband’s ethnicity?

He is Dutch

How did you meet?

At the Jefferson Hotel in Washington, DC. He had just finished the hotel school in The Hague and had taken on a position as manager of food and beverage. I was a graduate student at the University of Maryland. Some friends and I used to go to the bar at the Jefferson because one of our colleagues tended bar and would give us free drinks. That’s how I met Vinz.

And how long had you known him when you got married?

About 7 years.

When were you married?

May 2, 2003

Was this your first interracial relationship?

No.

How did you feel about interracial marriage and relationships before you were in one?

I loved the idea, especially for black women dating outside the black race. Why should race matter?

Do you feel any different about interracial marriage and relationships now?

No.

Did you face skeptics and criticism from friends and/or family about your interracial marriage?

None.

Do you recall how you first informed your friends and family of your interracial relationship and subsequent marriage?

I don’t, really. I probably just told them I was dating a man from The Netherlands. “Where?” they probably asked. I don’t think any of them were surprised when I told them I was moving to Holland with him.

What about your husband’s family —- Did you or he face any criticism from them?

The only criticism we faced was that Americans re-elected Bush!

How was it handled?

Other than politics (I was adamantly anti-Bush, as was Vinz), there was no criticism.

Have you ever felt pressure or experienced a significant difference between your non-interracial and interracial relationships?

No, but I’ve always found white men more interesting and sexy. Then again, maybe I never met the right black man!

Do you feel that there are societal criticisms and pressures concerning interracial relationships in the US and or Holland or (Netherlands)?

The only time I feel self-conscious or on edge with my husband and our mixed kids is when we’re traveling in the States. I don’t think I need to mention the criticisms…we all know those. They don’t exist in Holland (at least not to my knowledge).

Do you attribute or connect it to negative images of blacks from slavery or something else?

Yes, it started then but it’s become institutionalized in America. I don’t think that negative image of blacks will ever change.

Do you have children?

Yes, two little girls.

Does race figure into child rearing for you?

Sure it does. I’m trying to show my girls the most positive aspects of their mother’s culture. I’m teaching them to accept their mixed bodies as well as their two cultures equally. As they get older I plan to teach them black history – my way and engage them in discussions about why blacks are viewed so negatively and why we allow ourselves to live up to that negativity.

When your children first experience racism, what will be your advice will be to them?

I don’t know, to be honest. I hope I’ll remind them of all the beautiful things about themselves and explain that racism exists, why I think it exists and that they have to let it go. Don’t let other people define you.

Where do you live?

The Netherlands

Do you think The Netherlands in general is a good place for interracial couples and families?

I can’t think of a better place for interracial couples and/or families.

What made you decide to live abroad and do you have any regrets?

I wanted to pursue my relationship with my then-boyfriend. He wanted to move back home and asked me to go with him. I had nothing to lose, so I went with him. I have absolutely no regrets.

Do you work outside the home?

Yes and no. I work from home as a freelance writer, editor and translator.

What do you do for fun?

Go on dates with my husband; attend monthly gatherings with my black social networking group SisterSistah; Zumba;

Do you have any suggestions for black women just entering interracial relationships?

It would be the same as for any other relationship: communication is key. If you can’t/don’t talk about even the small things, you’re doomed to be divorced quicker than you’d like.